Blue Moon Danisnotonfire
by Chic N Stu
Summary: (NOT PHAN. Dan/OC) When Dan tags along with Phil to go meet his cousin living in the outskirts of Detroit, he meets Razel, a girl with enough brains to outsmart the CIA, and a depressing past. They both know they have a thing for each other, but what about the age difference and distance? Will it make their relationship fall flat, or will they find a way around it?
1. Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

/sdgf/set?id=58723235 (Polyvore(dotz)com comes before this, and any other links, unless otherwise specified. I really don't care if you look at them or not, I have fun making them.)

The car gently pulled to a stop, our bodies jolting forward. The light for the radio is on, but the speakers are barely is making a sound. I looked out the foggy window at the streets of Detroit.

"My cousin's coming to town," Alex, my best friend/legal guardian said as he began to pull into the driveway of my school.

"Why're you telling me?" I asked, already having a hunch of why.

"He's bringing one of his friends."

"Which cousin?"

"I've only met him a few times, he lives in the UK," he said, pausing for a moment. "I told him they could stay with us for those two weeks."

I let out a groan and stepped out of the car and into the cold air. Although it's summer, it's always cold in the mornings. I'm so glad school's almost over.

"Why the long face?" Mitchell asked as I slammed my locker shut.

"Alex's stupid cousin's coming to stay with us for a bit. _And_ he's bringing a friend."

"Oh, boohoo! You poor baby!"

"Shut up, rich boy!" I responded.

"Lighten up, Miss Sensitive!"

I didn't respond, I just brushed past him and made my way to class.

By the time final period was ending, I was uncomfortable as ever. These uniforms are so dumb. My leg itched, but these dumb knee-high socks are in the way. The plaid skirt. 'Nough said. At least I didn't need to tuck in my shirt, though the collar is annoying. Also, I never get yelled at for my sneakers, even though the uniform policy calls for dress shoes.

"Razel!" Sister Agnes said, bringing my attention back to reality. "Name the 12 apostles of Jesus."

"Uh," I breathed. _Shit._ "Joseph, Josiah, Adam, Abraham," I rambled, naming off names I know are biblical.

"You go to one of the best Catholic schools in the state!" She said, loudly. "And you can't even name the 12 apostles!"

This is bullshit.

"I'm here on academic scholarship, not Jesus scholarship."

Finally, an _actual_ savior came. Otherwise known as the school bell.

I unlocked my phone, and then it notified me that I had a missed call from Alex.

"You called?" I asked when he answered.

"Yeah, I can't pick you up again."

"Fine," I groaned.

This meant that I had to walk back to my parent's house, which is only fifteen minutes away.

"I'm sorry! I have to wait for my brother at the airport."

"I said it's fine," I said, beginning my journey to the ghetto. Well, most of Detroit is ghetto, but I used to live in the ghettoest of the ghetto.

"Where ya going, Zelly?" Mitchell asked as I walked down the steps of the school.

"MY parent's house. Alex can't pick me up."

"We all know you don't want to do that. C'mon."

I thought for a second before I followed him into the woods behind the school.

After about a half an hour (and some Mary Jane), I made my way to my old house.

When I got there, my mom throwing one of her afternoon tantrums, my brother standing in the doorway of the old kitchen, which my mom screamed at him.

"Oh, _you're_ back?" she hissed at me.

"Nice to see you too, Mom," I replied.

She then went on a ramble about all the things wrong with me, which I laughed at her attempt to belittle me.

"And you wonder why I left!" I shouted, grabbing my bookbag and going to go sit on the porch, and then getting my homework out and quickly completing it.

Finally, after about an hour or two, Alex's car pulled up to this stupid house.

I ran up to the passenger's side, and opened the door, and then got in. I folded my legs into a pretzel, and then I noticed the two boys in the back.

"This is my cousin, Phil," Alex said.

"You must be Ray-zel," the darker of the two said.

"It's Ruh-zel, but yes," I responded.

"I'm Dan."

Phil's really pale, and overall adorable. Like he should be a teddy bear, or like he should be buying a puppy, because no one looks not adorable with a puppy.

Dan's so tall (or so it seems from the sitting position), brown, and just simply gorgeous.

Too bad I'm probably too young. He looks like he's in his early twenties, while I'm not even eighteen. Well, in exactly five days, I will be.

What am I even saying? They're only going to be here for two weeks, and then they'll most likely be on their way back to the UK again. It'll be best to not get attached.

"Dan and Phil are both YouTubers," Alex said.

"Oh, cool," I said. "Is it fun?"

"Oh yes! Tons of fun!" Phil enthused, going on a rant about all the things they do.

"Did you have a good day at school?" Alex asked after a bit of conversing.

"It was school," I said. "How do you think it was?"

"Did Sister Agnes yell at you again?" he responded in a baby-like voice.

"Pft, no," I scoffed.

"What'd you do this time?"

"Nothing. She's just out to get me!"

"You only have one more week with her, then you're done."

"But then I'll have to see her stupid nun face at graduation."

"You have nuns at your school?" Phil asked, giggling a little.

"Yeah, I go to a Catholic school! Laugh it up!"

"Are you one of the kids that goes for the religious or education opportunities?"

"Religious, I'm a hardcore Catholic," I said, bursting into laughter. "Just kidding, I'm an atheist My decision was partly educational, and partly the fact that they gave me a laptop."

"Oooo, what kind?" Phil asked.

"A Mac," I responded. "That makes me fancy!"

When we got back to our apartment, I immediately changed into my pajamas from this god awful uniform.

**Hey guize. I'm not too sure about this one. I have a second chapter done, and I'll post it, but if it doesn't really get a positive review...I dunno. It's just kind of experimental. **


	2. A Drop in the Bucket

_/sdgf/set?id=58723235 (just the uniform) _

**I met to post this Thursday, but I put it off until I had to go to bed, and then my boyfriend spent the night Friday, and then I went to Cleveland all day on Saturday, and didn't get home until midnight...I'M SORRY**

I take back calling them stupid to Mitchell, they're amazing!

Dan's so sarcastically funny, yet sweet at the same time, while Phil's funny as well, but it's more innocent funny, plus he's still adorable.

Once again, I did the daily routine of getting up at 6:30, brushing, then straightening my hair (I take night showers), getting dressed, putting my earrings in, eating breakfast, then putting my contacts in, then brushing my teeth, and then being to school by 7:45, and then in class by 8:00.

"Please don't make me go!" I begged Alex as we were about to walk out of the door.

"You just can't skip..."

"There's only a week of school left of school, just let me skip today!" I protested.

"Be quiet, Dan and Phil are sleeping."

"Fine, I guess I'll go be sad at school!"

"You need your education, Zelly."

_Zelly._ What a stupid nickname. Everyone calls me it. I don't know why.

"_I don't need no education," _I sang.

"Get in the car," he said after a moment.

After arriving at school, almost exactly at 7:45, I went straight to my locker, and exchanged my bookbag for my first class books.

During my first class, the teacher gave us a free day to goof off, or, as she said, to study for the upcoming exams.

I have no friends in this class, so, basically, I'm just sitting here.

"Razel, I know you're extremely intelligent, but studying won't hurt you," the teacher said, putting her hand on my shoulder.

"I don't _need_ to study to pass."

"I know, but you just can't sit here," she said, walking away to bother another loner in the class.

I reluctantly pulled out some notes and stared at the paper. Suddenly, everyone got louder. Would it be rude to write "SHUT UP" on a piece of paper and give it to the kids next to me?

"Hey, can you, I don't know, move?" said the bitchiest girl in south western Michigan.

"Hey, can you, I don't know, shut the fuck up?" I retaliated.

She just sighed and walked away.

"Zelly, wanna ditch and go into the city fourth hour?" Mitchell asked after class as I was switching out my books. "I'll pay for Starbucks!"

"Well, now that you mention Starbucks... I'd love to go. Are we staying out all day?"

"Yeah, I'll go let the guys know to wait for you. Meet us at the regular spot."

Third hour seemed to drag on and on, even though it's literally the shortest class of the day, and my government class, which is my favorite.

The bell couldn't come sooner, and when it did, I practically ran to my locker, dumping my books in, then running down the corridor, down the steps to the basement, nearly tripping over my own feet, and then arriving in the boiler room, where my five best friends, Mitchell, Jermaine, Ricardo, Jaime, and Cameron, were waiting.

Ricardo has his drawstring bookbag with him, so we did what we typically did, and took off our shirts, only to reveal the t-shirts beneath, or, as in my case, a tank top. The skirts are actually "skorts", so I cut out the shorts so I can roll them up to finger-tip length instead of knee-length, and I wear shorts underneath anyways, so I just took the skirt off. I picked a good day to wear ankle socks.

I was dressed in pretty revealing clothes, but I don't care. It's almost 100 degrees out, so I would be sweating like a pig now had I been wearing my everyday clothes.

"You ready, Zel?" Jermaine asked.

"I was born ready!"

_(/naevl/set?id=58786553)_

Dan

I couldn't get Razel out of my mind. I've only met her a day ago, AND she's only 17, almost 18 though. But something about her so alluring. I just couldn't shake this feeling. Finally, Phil came to my rescue, which distracted me from Razel.

"Hey, Alex's taking me around the city, wanna come?"

"Sure!" I said, slightly _too_ enthusiastically.

Phil and Alex were chatting away, while I just awkwardly walked beside them, like a tag along.

I was fumbling around with my phone, just to seem cooler, when it fell out of my hands and slid like 12 feet away. I quickly ran over and got it before someone could step on it or something. But, when I got back up, Alex and Phil weren't anywhere in my sights.

_Oh god._

I'm in an unfamiliar city, no idea where the hell I am, and I'm lost. So, I began pressing the power button on my phone to see if it'd turn on since the battery came out, but no luck. Now I'm lost _and_ my phone is broken. _Shit._

Then, all of a sudden, someone bumped into my back. I spun around, and my entire body filled with relief.

"Dan?" Razel questioned.

"Oh, you don't know how glad I am to see you! I lost Alex and Phil and now my phone is broke because I dropped it-"

"Calm down..." she said, probably because I'm talking so fast.

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be in school?"

"School is for squares!" she said. I just gave her a look. "Please don't tell Alex."

"Are you out here alone? Isn't this one of the most dangerous cities in America? You shouldn't be walking around here alone."

"Chill out, I'm here with friends, but I can't find them either. I think they purposely leave me like this because they think it's funny to watch me freak out."

"That not very nice..."

"I need better friends, now, don't I?" she said, laughing a bit. Her laugh is so cute.

_Shut up, Dan! _I shouted in my head.

"Do you wanna go somewhere?" Razel asked.

"Sure," I said, once again, a little too enthusiastically.

She then took my arm, and began pulling me down the streets. As we weaved in and our of pedestrians, we were going further out of the downtown area, and into a suburb. Eventually, we came to this coffee shop, right outside of the busyness of the actual city. The shop vaguely resembled Starbucks, except without all the hipsters, and it had books lining the walls.

"It's like Starbucks, except cheaper, and better," Razel said, leading me up to the counter, and then we both ordered. She insisted on paying for me, but I insisted on paying for both of us. Finally, she stopped arguing and folded her arms in defeat. Though, I don't see what she's so upset about, most people don't' turn down free stuff.


	3. A Leopard Can't Change His Spots

_/naevl/set?id=58786553 (just the outfit from the day before)_

"If you don't mind my asking, but why do you live with Alex?" I asked after our order came. She hoisted herself up onto the tall chairs, her scrawny, tanned legs not even touching the bar at the bottom of the chair legs.

"Lots and lots of problems at home. I couldn't stand it there, then, Alex turned eighteen, and he let me move in with him."

"Again, if you don't mind my asking, what kind of problems?"

"My mom was really abusive, both physically and mentally, It just wasn't a good environment for me, or anyone for that matter, and no one really tried to help us."

"What about your dad?"

"Oh, he left a long time ago. I try not to remember what he was like, but I definitely remember the day he left."

"Oh, wow, I'm sorry," I said, sympathetically.

"It's okay. I'm not upset about it anymore. I have a lot to be grateful for," she said, "I'm actually quite content with life at the moment."

"That's really great. Most people probably would be depressed had they gone what you've gone through."

"One of my mom's favorite insults was that I'm fat and dumb, and I just laugh. I'm technically underweight, and I'm top of my class, and one one of the smartest in the state, with a full scholarship to wherever I want."

"Why do you go to a Catholic school, instead of a school for advanced students?"

"Because I had friends there previously, so I wouldn't be the awkward new kid, I already had a group there."

"You seem like you'd be quite popular at school."

"Some people have no problems with me, but everyone else is scared of me."

"They're scared of _you_? You look as harmless as a puppy."

"No! I'm evil! Like Voldemort!"

"Don't say his name!"

"But, seriously, people are scared of me either because I'm that ghetto kid to some, or that weird schizophrenic to others."

"Schizophrenic?" I inquired.

"I assumed Alex told you guys..." she said with an ashamed look on her face.

"He didn't..."

"For all I know, you could be a hallucination."

"I can assure you, I'm very real."

"That's what they all say, Dan."

I didn't even know what to say. How does one even respond to that?

"I don't like telling people I have schizophrenia, because then it becomes who I am. People assume I'm normal, then suddenly I'm insane when I tell people. I'm more than my illness. It's a very moderate form of schizophrenia, and I'm on medication, and it helps a lot."

"I don't think of you like that now that I know, if anything, I think you're stronger since you've overcome that as well as the other things."

"Really?" she asked in disbelief.

"Really. We should probably be heading back to the city, and you should go back to school!"

"School is for chumps."

"What if they kick you out a week before schools ends?" I asked as made out journey back.

"They make too bunch money off of my intelligence to kick me out. The government gives them more money depending on the average GPA, and if they kick me out, their GPA goes way down, thus less money. I am to my school as YouTube is to Google."

"That is a perfect analogy."

When we made it to the downtown area, she told me all the likely places Alex would be, but she told me to go where I lost them first. She found her friends, and then left me to go off with them, once again, making me promise to not tell anyone about today. After standing in the spot that I lost them, they finally appeared.

"Dan!"Phil shouted. "Where have you been?! We've been looking for you for ages!"

"I was here the whole time," I lied.

"What happened?" Alex asked.

"I dropped my phone, and then you guys were gone."

"Why didn't you call us or something?"

"My phone broke when I dropped it."

"Oh, Dan. You have to be more careful," Phil said.


	4. A Taste Of Your Own Medicine

**Since that last one was short, I'm posting two today.**

_/sdgf/set?id=58723235 (just the uniform)_

The kids at school think I'm weird.

They don't know my story, only the ones that they've been told, mostly by this one girl who really doesn't like me, only because I'm a lot cooler than her, and because Mitchell is my best friend, right after Alex, and she was too stupid to realize how awesome he is, and then broke up with him. But I torment her right back, and she just gets upset, tells her mom (I'm serious), and then spreads rumors about me to her only friend.

I was standing at the top of the stairs, next to the door of my 4th period class. I was leading against the wall, and then I saw Toucan Sam (that's what I call her. Her nose is bigger than Nigel Thornberry's), and her only friend, of whom I call Menstruating Turtle, because that's just what he looks like. She just gave me a dirty look, and then walked into her class room. Unfortunately, we have the next class together.

My next class is my least favorite for a few reasons. One, because Toucan Sam and Menstruating Turtle are here, and they sit in front of me, and two, because it's Geography, which is boring as ever. But, my favorite teacher is this class. She helped me through the custody battle freshman year.

She was showing a slide show presentation on the overhead projector about the middle eastern culture, which is geographical for some reason.

"Hey look! It's your kin!" Toucan Sam said as some Saudi Arabian women dressed in a burka was displayed on the screen. I'm not even Saudi Arabian, but I can see how she's _trying_ to offend me.

"Hey, look! It's yours!" I said back as a camel came on. Mrs. Kingston just stifled her laughter.

After class, I waited outside of the classroom for Mitchell, like I typically do, and then Toucan Sam came out of the room, gave me another dirty look, and turn, to my complete and utter surprise, made herself fall down the stairs, her emaciated body stopping at the landing, in front of everyone.

"You just pushed me down the stairs!" she shouted, running back up the steps.

"No, I didn't! You tripped yourself!"

"Yes, you did! You pushed me!"

"No, I fucking didn't."

"Yes you did, welfare leech!"

I didn't respond, I've had enough of her. I couldn't just sit here while she says this stuff. I didn't have to take this. So, I grew back my arm, and then my closed fist collided with her face. I swear, I could hear something break.

"Girls!" Mrs. Kingston shouted. "Go to the office!"

We both obeyed, but then she held me back for a second.

"I've been waiting for you to do that all year," she whispered as she walked us down to the dean's office.

This walk was the longest of my life. _Please don't let get expelled _I wished in my head.

Toucan Sam just kept rambling on about how it's all my fault. Mrs. Kingston just kept a firm grip on my arm, because we both know that I could probably tear her apart if she let me go.

"Don't let your anger get the best of you," Mrs. Kingston whispered as we arrived to the dean's office.

"Carol?" the dean, Father Lincoln, said as we sat on opposite sides of his desk. "To whom do I woe this pleasure?"

"Aviana," that's Toucan Sam's actual name, "and Razel got into a bit of a fight."

"What happened?" Father Lincoln, who looked like Dumbledore, said, getting out a piece of paper. I really hope those aren't the dreaded expulsion papers.

"She started it," Toucan Sam said.

"Let me hear Aviana's side of the story first."

"Well, she pushed me down the stairs, first of all."

"What?! N-"

"Razel, it's Aviana's turn."

"And then I went back up to say something about it, and then she just punched me!"

"Razel?" he said as the anger was radiating off of me.

"Okay, well, first off, I didn't push her. She threw herself down the stairs just to get me in trouble. Yes, I did throw the first punch, but it was because she called me a welfare leech."

"Is this true?" Father Lincoln said to Mrs. Kingston.

"I don't know about the whole pushing thing, but other than that, yes."

Toucan Sam gave me the dirtiest look yet. She knew I was going to win. I had my favorite teacher on my side, I'm top of my class, and the school, and I rarely get into fights, whereas everyone's always complaining about Toucan Sam.

"Razel, I know you have schizophrenia, and I know it can cause people to do things they normally wouldn't do. If you would turn to The Lord, and let him have control of your life, you'd be able to live a normal life. You took that first step towards your 'disorder' when you made that imaginary friend," he said. "Your delusions are all in your head."

"What does my illness have to do this fight?"

"What I'm trying to say is, you're not entirely to blame. Your 'disorder' made you do this. If you would accept our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ, into your heart, you wouldn't be this way."

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm not sure whether I should be glad I'm not getting blamed, or infuriated that he's treating my disorder the way he is.

"Father Lincoln, I promise you, Razel is so much more than her illness. She's never been violent throughout her whole four years here," Mrs. Kingston said, "she's the smartest student in the school, and top in the state! She's being offered scholarships left and right. To Harvard, Princeton, Yale! She could study aboard, full scholarship, if she wanted. But you're belittling her by making it seem as if she's making her illness up. I'm sure she wishes she making this up, but she isn't. She's on medication to stop the effects of schizophrenia, so she does live life normally. Don't blame this on her disorder."

"You are dismissed, Mrs. Kingston," he said. She obeyed, but slammed the door on her way out. He calmly picked up the phone and began dialing some numbers. _Oh god. _He was calling our guardians.

Within twenty minutes, Toucan Sam's parents were busting through the door. She began giving them a whole sob story about how I dramatically shoved her, while laughing maliciously, and then how I beat the shit out of her. Trust me, if I really wanted to, it would've been done by now.

Soon after, Alex arrived, looking pissed as ever.

"I have chosen not to punish either of the girls. They're to go home for the remainder of the day, and to return tomorrow, and Friday for exams, as well as Monday and Tuesday."

"But someone must be punished..." Aviana's dad said.

"Mr. Arlington, it's the end of the year! There's no sense in punishing them with only a few days left of school."

Toucan Sam's parents began yelling about "rules" and "discipline", and about how I'm a "problem child", who needs discipline, or else I'll never learn.

After the Arlington's wouldn't shut up, Father Lincoln told us this was his prayer hour, and that we must leave.

"You hit her, Razel," Alex said. "Why would you do that?"

"She called me a welfare leech."

"That doesn't mean you push her down the stairs and punch her!"

"I didn't push her! She pushed herself!"

"You still don't gotta punch her!"

I didn't say anything, I simply glared out the window.

"You do realize you must be punished?" he said.

"Oh, wow. Ground me for a whole two days! I'm so scared!"

"You're right... I'll just let this slide. This time."

When we got home, we told Phil and Dan about why I'm home before noon.

"At least they didn't expel you or anything," Phil said.

"I know. I'm really lucky they didn't. They usually take fights really seriously."

"Yeah, Zel, you're lucky they didn't," Alex said in a stern voice.

I just scowled at him, not saying a word.

My phone then buzzed, indicating I had a text.

_Mitchell: so were having a party for you friday at my house. Then since saturdays ur b-day well just make it last long into the night._

This is going to be the best birthday party ever. Mitchell has a gigantic house, and he always has tons of people at his parties.

_And_ Dan's gonna be there, because I'm gonna make them all go.

Is that really what I'm excited about? Dan coming to my party? Do I, perhaps, _like_ Dan? Preposterous! Well, I guess it is entirely possible to have some sort of attraction to him, but it's been three days sine I first met him. He just feels so right for me.


	5. The Cat's Pajamas

**I've been meaning to type this out for a while, since I write this one mostly in my notebooks during school (I'm totes a good student!), and I've just been too lazy. Sorry!**

**And this is for anyone that reads any of my other fics: I've run out of ideas :( I'm sorry that it's been so long since they've been updated, but I have one idea for Harakiri (the Crabstickz one), but I don't have any ideas of how to start it, and one for Big City Dreams (KickthePJ), but it's too early to bring it in (Plus, I'm not even sure if I should do it). And I have absolutely none for Goodbye, Blue Sky (The other Danisnotonfire one), and I have a new one I'm in the process of writing, that I probably shouldn't post since I'm lazy. If any of you guys want something to happen in those, just PM me! Please.**

/wtrgsdgfsdf/set?id=61082724

"Llamas and placentas?" I said as I came out of my room on the first day of exams.

"I see someone's found my YouTube account," Dan said.

"After watching some, I have concluded that you love placentas, llamas, Muse, and that everybody's pregnant," I said, sitting next to him on the couch. As he was preoccupied with the TV, I slowly reached over and touched his neck ever so lighting, he then quickly smacked my hand away, covering the spot my hand was at with his own. "I also learned that you hate your neck being touched."

"Why would you do that then?!" he asked.

"Because I thought it'd be funny," I said. "And it was."

Phil and Alex left us alone while they did cousin things. They didn't give us a set time of when they'd be back.

"You guys are coming to my birthday party tomorrow, right?"

"Why would you want the tall British kids with matching haircuts at your party?"

"Because I want you there!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes really," I said, giving the puppy dog eyes.

"Okay, I promise I'll be there."

"Llamas and placentas," I said under my breath, walking back to my room.

-time lapse-

_The acceleration a(t) of a body in motion along a straight line is given by a(t) = 2t - 4, where t is the time. If x(t) is the distance of the body from the origin at the time t and x(6) - x(2) = 10, then the velocity v(t) of the body is given by_

_A) t2- 4t_

B) t2- 4t + 7/6

C) t

D) t2

E) 2t2- 4t

Psh. No brainer. B!

_Find constant K, K positive, so that the volume of the solid of revolution determined by rotating the area bounded by f(x) = x2 and g(x) = - x(x - K) is equal to 200 Pi._

A) 4*****52/3

B) 1 / 2

C) 120

D)*12001/5

E) 2*6001/5

What kind of idiot do they take me for? The answer is obviously E.

_If x + y = e^(x + y), then the value of dy/dx at the point (1/2 , 1/2) is_

A) 1

B) e - 1

C) 1 - e

D) e

E) -1

Jesus Christ. This is stuff an infant can do. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize the answer is E.

_Finally. Exams are finished! I can go home! _I thought as I turned in my exam.

The teachers let us go to, what was, study hall to goof off after our last exam.

I am almost completely done with high school, commonly called the best years of our lives. I want to know when that begins. I have 2 days left and high school isn't the best years of my life.

But, soon, I'll be off to college. I should probably start applying soon, or else I'll have to wait until next year, which I don't want to do, since I'll already be 30+ by the time I graduate university, with a Ph.D. In neurosurgery.

"Hey, I can't pick you up again," Alex said after I answered my phone.

"I'm getting real tired of your bullshit, Alex," I said, hanging up the phone.

Once again, I made my journey back to my mother's house, taking my sweet ol' time.

It's not even a house, so I don't even know why I call it one. It's really just one of those big houses from the old days, converted into apartments.

"Why do you keep coming back?" my mom screamed as I walked through the door.

My mom used to be pretty. Her eyes, once bright and cheery, are now bloodshot and watery. Her hair's now greasy and unkempt, but was once shiny with those bouncing ringlets, of which I inherited from her, surrounding her once beautiful face. But everything changed when the fire nation attacked. I mean, my dad left.

"I have no where to go on the days Alex can't pick me up, except here. Trust me, I don't like being here either."

"Don't nobody want you here, Razel."

"Is Malik not here or something, so you gotta pick on me?"

"You're the failure of the family! Why do you even try?" She said, putting her face next to mine, her breath reeking of alcohol.

"Yeah. While I stand here with all of my scholarship offerings, you can go march yourself down to the welfare office."

"Who are you yelling at?" my youngest brother, Malik, said as he opened his door. He took one look at me and understood. "Why do you always gotta be starting fights with Zel?"

"She's the reason Dad left!" My mom shouted. I could fee the tears begin to well up in my eyes. She knows saying I'm at fault for his actions always gets to me.

"Mom, stop," Seda, my younger sister, asserted, coming out of the room we once shared.

"Why should I?"she said, grabbing another bottle off the end table, opening it,and then downing at least half of it. "You wanna know what else is your fault?"

"Oh, I'd love to hear this. Let me guess, everything?"

"Sa'eed!" my mom yelled, finishing the rest of the bottle.

I sunk to the floor, my face buried in my hands. My eyes stung from the tears now flowing.

"Don't you _dare_ say Sa'eed's death was Razel's fault," Seda said.

"If anything, Mom, it's your fault," Malik said.

"No, it's Zel's fault for being such a bitch."

I didn't say anything, I just grabbed my stuff and ran out the door to sit on the stairs leading to our front door, quickly followed by my siblings.

"I'm sorry I left you guys here with her."

"Don't be. You only did what you thought was truly right.

"And you decision _was_ right, and still is. Mom was just making you worse. If you stayed, you'd probably be admitted to the psyche ward by now," Malik said.

"We know you were close to Sa'eed, and his death was hard on you, but he is our older brother, too. It was hard on all of us."

"How did I miss the red flags rise?" I said, resting my chin on my knees.

"None of us did, Zelly," Malik said.

The front door leading into the hallways then swung open, Dan standing in the door way.

"Alex told me to come and get you," he said, as I stood up and followed him out of this dingy hallway. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," I said.

"Obviously not..."

"I'll tell you later."

-time lapse-

The music was so loud, I almost mistook the bass for my own heartbeat. I don't even know who's playing, all I know is that Mitchell's iPod was plugged into the speakers, playing some mindless rap song. I told him that's unfair, it's my birthday, so we needed to get some System of a Down, or some Tool, or some Rage Against the Machine up in here. He told me everyone would leave because my music is stupid. I punched him in his arm.

After a bit, Mitchell's house was packed with people. I doubt even half of them were here because it's my birthday, but that doesn't matter, because the people who _do_ matter are here.

It was only 11:00 pm, and Mitchell told me to meet him in the kitchen at 11:50. In the mean time, I'm waiting in his room, away from everyone. I was messing around on his laptop when the door abruptly flew open.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were in here," Dan said, reaching for the door again.

"No! Stay!" I said.

"What are you doing up here anyway? Isn't this your party?"

"Only a few people are here for my birthday, so I'm hiding from everyone until midnight. You?"

"I felt awkward, not knowing anyone, so I'm trying to find a quiet place."

"Well, you can stay here with me, if you'd like," I said, patting the spot next to me. He obeyed and sat next to me and then we scrolled through my Tumblr, laughing at all of the stupid things on it.

"What were you so upset about this afternoon?"

"My older brother, Sa'eed, committed suicide a few years ago, and it was really hard on me, because we were really close. After he died, I got close to Alex. He basically replaced him. Sa'eed was a father figure to me, and I just needed another strong father figure to latch onto, per say. But me and my mom got into another fight and said it was my fault he killed himself."

"I'm so sorry," he said, putting his arm around my shoulder, in an attempt to comfort me.

"It's okay. He was schizophrenic too, it must run in our family, so I understand, in a way. His was more advanced than mine, because I got help earlier, and he wasn't getting any. He heard a lot of things in his head, and I think he just wanted the voices to stop, so suicide seemed like the only way to make them.

"He's in a better place now, and, in a way, I'm glad he's not hurting anymore," I said.

"I need to tell you something, Razel," he said.


	6. Barking Up The Wrong Tree

_/wtrgsdgfsdf/set?id=61082724_

"Razel, I have to tell you something."

A thousand thoughts began racing through my head. What on Earth was he going to tell me? I could feel my pulse begin to race and my palms get sweaty.

"I can't get you off of my mind. Is that even possible since we've only known each other for five days? Even so, I can't stop thinking about you," he said. "Even though you're so much younger, you're so pretty, and funny, and smart, and-"

I cut him off mid sentence swiftly leaning in and pressing my lips to his. I could tell he was caught off guard, but eventually, he got into it just as much as me. Our lips moved in unison with each other. His arms snaked around my waist, while my hands rested on his shoulders, careful to avoid his neck.

After a bit, we pulled away. We both starred into each other's brown eyes, taking in the moment we just shared. I glanced at the digital clock behind him. 11:45.

"C'mon, let's go find Mitchell said, grabbing his arm and doing a semi-run out of the room and down the stairs until we arrived in the kitchen. guys went all out for my birthday. All of my friends were here, even my siblings. There was a banner above the sink, being connected by the cabinets. The cake has "Happy birthday, Razel!" written all fancy across it, witch a few pentagrams, since I always said I wanted to piss off the bible thumpers at my school. Everyone began to sing happy birthday to me as the clock struck midnight. I then blew out the candles.

_I wish Dan would stay forever,_ my subconscience thought.

_No, I wish I'll be able to go to the university of my dreams and everything was in my favor._

Yes, that sounds like a good wish.

I am now officially eighteen. I can now legally vote in the upcoming elections, I can be tried as an adult should I ever break the law, I can buy cigarettes (which I don't plan on doing), I can get a state ID, I can run for State Representative (I think. Some places, the minimum age is 21, but I know in Ohio, the age is 18.), I can legally buy a single-shot gun, I can do all sorts of things I could never do a few moments ago. I'm also now at the legal age of sexual consent in the state of Michigan. I don't know why that interests me, but it does.

I've only been to a few house parties before. I usually sat somewhere, alone, until one of my friends would come and find me and force me to socialize. I would usually drink until I vomited so I could mask my immense social anxiety.

Today, I'm going to do the same, except, no one will force me to socialize. It will all be my pure free will.

"Here, drink this," Mitchell said at around one. I had completely lost Dan in the midst of the crowd.

"What is it?" I said, peering inside the glass and taking a sniff of it. It kind of smelled like peaches.

"It's a peach thing," he said, taking a drink out of his own glass. "Don't worry, it's not _real_ alcohol."

I took a small sip of the liquid. It had a really strong taste, and made me cringe. I swallowed, and it terribly burned on the way down. It had a peachy aftertaste, though.

"The fuck? Is that bleach?" I said, after the burning sensation had ceased.

"I said it's a peach thing."

"Shut up," I said, walking out of the room, in hopes of finding someone I know, and someone that won't serve me chemicals.

After that, the rest of the night is a huge blur I don't remember anything from then on, except eating a lot of candy and drinking a lot of soda, making me have a sugar rush, and then hangover. Everything happened so fast. I don't actually remember going to bed until around five. I woke up in my own bed, my head was throbbing, and I was covered in sweat. Every muscle in my body hurt. I turned on the light to the bathroom and the bright light nearly burned my eyes out. The _buzz _from the florescent lights just made my headache worse. I washed my face in cold water, and then went into the kitchen to get a big glass of water.

"Hey," said a familiar voice from behind me as I broke the yolk whilst trying to flip the egg over. I glanced over my shoulder to see Dan standing in the doorway.

"Hey, you hungry?" I asked, putting my finished eggs on a plate.

"Not really, I have a massive hangover."

I began to tell him all of my secrets to lessening a hangover. He did some of them, like drink some water, eat, and go back to sleep.

Why am I falling for this man?

**I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been really depressed lately, and school's been douchey and been getting in the way of everything. And I'm sorry!**


	7. It's All Greek to Me

_ghjk/set?id=70059648_

I'm honestly going to really miss Dan when he leaves. As cliché has it is, it feels like my whole life has led up to the moment where I met him. I feel so silly. I feel for a guy I've only known for a few days, only to have him leave in the same amount of time.

Pushing the thought of Dan out of my mind, I let the thought of higher education enter, as I went through all the scholarship offerings I have stored in an envelope.

I could really go to whatever college I want. Free of charge. I could even study abroad, if I wanted to. I could go to Cambridge, UCL, Oxford, ICL, ETH Zurich, Edinburgh, HKU, ANU, Bristol, _Ecole Polytechnique F__é__d__é__rale de Lussane, _Tokyo, Manchester, or É_cole Normale Sup__é__rieure de Paris. _Or, I could just stay in my homeland and study at Harvard, MIT, Yale, Princeton, Brown, or Stanford. Maybe I'll even stay in my home state and study at Eastern Michigan.

I began calling these universities (only the ones where I had scholarships), and they all said they'd hold my place until I decided for sure which one I want to go to. Of course, I'd like to study at a school that has courses taught in English. I don't feel like learning a whole new language.

"Hey," Alex sad, opening my door slightly. "I heard you talking."

"Yeah, I'm asking about university and scholarships. Don't worry, my meds are working fine."

"Okay, I was just wondering. Have you decided on a place?"

"I'm still thinking, but I'm really leaning towards Harvard, MIT, and UCL," I said as the left the room.

These two weeks have gone by relatively quick. Dan and I exchanged that one kiss, and that was it.

I cried on the last day of school. I went around and said goodbye to all of my teachers (except Sister Agnes). As much as I hated that place, I'm going to really miss high school. The day after, I slept nearly all day. It feels so good to sleep all day and know school isn't in the morning.

For a Senior prank, Mitchell and I were tempted to break into the school and paint all the white Jesus' brown, like the Middle Eastern he was. But, we decided against it because we didn't feel like getting arrested for trespassing and vandalism.

"Do you have to leave?" I said calmly, fighting back tears. The airport is packed with people today. I hate this airport now.

"Don't be sad, Razel," Dan said while he led me to a more secluded part of the airport. "It'll be okay! We'll video chat, and talk to each other on Facebook. Maybe we can visit each other sometime. It's not the end of the world."

"But you'll be all the way across the Atlantic Ocean," I said, giving him a hug. "We aren't even together. Why am I so upset?"

"Everything will be okay. Come to Manchester someday. I'll be there," he said, kissing me for the last time. This one isn't happy. It was wet from the few tears I let escape. It feels like I'm missing part of my torso.

And, in a split second, he was gone.

I told myself not to get attached, and I failed myself.

When we got home, Alex sat down on the couch and watched TV while I went straight to my room. I don't have any homework to distract myself with. Every time I get on the internet, there's something that reminds me of him.

Eventually, I found something that _did_ take my mind from Dan. School. I finally decided on a place. Next, I need to find a place over there. I need one that's not too expensive, and close to campus. Maybe I'll get a studio. I'm just one girl, I don't need a whole apartment to myself. I have some money saved up from summer jobs (and by some, I mean a lot. I never spent a penny of it), so I can afford a deposit and rent for a while.

Maybe once I get to campus and everything, Dan will be erased from my mind. Permanently. At least in a romantic way, we can always be just friends.

_fghjk/set?id=70178682_

A few days have passed since I decided on a school. I even found an apartment that's not too far from campus. Ten minutes walking distance actually. I just have to actually get over there to make it officially mine.

Graduation is today. I get to see all the people I hate one last time. But, afterwards, there's a party at this kids's house for any graduating senior in the area. I don't remember his name, but his dad is a very important man at the GM plant, so his house is probably bigger than Mitchell's.

The ceremony was taking place inside our gym. Some of the rich white girls bought their gowns and bedazzled it to say "2012" on the cap or something equally as dumb.

I could see Seda and Malik in the crowd, and the seat they saved for Alex was next to them. As I suspected, my mom wasn't anywhere to be seen. I turned around and began scanning all the faces of the people who came in. Eventually, Alex came in, along with Mitchell's parents, Jermaine's mom, Ricardo's _abuela _(as he always calls her), Jaime's dad, and Cameron's brother. I saw Toucan Sam's parents come in, too. Thankfully, Mitchell's last name comes right after mine, so we get to sit next to each other.

_It can't be,_ I thought to myself as I saw a familiar face. Why is he here? Why didn't he call or anything?

"M-my dad's here," I said to Mitchell. "Why is my dad here?"

"Maybe he's here to apologize to you."

"He barely looked at me during Sa'eed's funeral," I said, quickly turning around. "Why would be apologize?"

"I understand you have a lot of built up resentment towards your dad, but if he's apologizing, at least hear him out," he said as the graduation music started playing.

Finally, they came to my name. I stood up, and nervously walked to the lady. She gave me my diploma, and shook my hand. I could hear my friends and family cheering loudly in the background.

I guess my five seconds of fame was up.

After the ceremony was officially over, Seda, Malik, and Alex congratulated me, and told me they'd catch up with me later. Mitchell gave me a pat on the back as my dad started to come up to me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as he opened his mouth to say something.

"I came to see my daughter graduate. Is that a crime?"

"The last time I saw you was at Sa'eed's funeral, and you barely muttered a word to me."

"My first-born son had just taken his own life. What was I supposed to do?"

"You didn't even ask how we were holding up."

"I was mourning the death of my son. I didn't want to talk to anyone, let alone my kids who hate me."

"Maybe we wouldn't hate you if you hadn't left us."

"I don't even understand why you hate me so much. You have _that_ for a mother, and _I'm_ the bad guy?"

"We hate you because you left us with her. You never mad an effort for custody or visitation rights. You just _left."_

"Your mother abused me just as much as she abused you. She said I ever tried for parental rights, she'd get me for domestic abuse."

"How would she get you for domestic abuse?"

"You know how crazy she is! She would literally punch herself and tell all her stupid friends that I beat her. I had no other choice, Razel."

"What the real reason you're here?"

"I recently came into a bit of money. I'm finally able to support myself. Now, I want custody. I can afford a great lawyer, as well as provide for you kids."

"But I'm going away to university soon."

"I know. Let me provide for you too, like I should have done all these years. Let me pay for your tuition or something."

"I get full scholarships, so no tuition. Either way, do you really think _buying _me stuff will make up for all these years?"

"No, but it's what I owe you. Let me buy you a new laptop or pay for a car. Even buying you a new pair of sneakers would make me happy."

"How exactly did you come across that much money?" I asked, changing the subject.

"My uncle, your great-uncle, in Kuwait, died not too long ago, and left me a huge sum of money."

"Uncle Yakob? The one that owns all those oil reserves?"

"Yes! He's leaving us so much money, I don't even know what do with it all. I want to get you something, and put a big percentage of it towards Seda and Malik's education."

After decided what my dad was going to do to help me out, we made up (since he explained everything to me in full), we went to go talk to Seda and Malik. Dad explained everything to them as well, and they said they'd forgive him. The custody battle was going to start right away.

Today was officially my first full two weeks in London.

School at UCL doesn't start for another month and a half, but I figured It best to move here early so I can get to know the area first. I haven't told Dan yet, though. I thought I'd tell him when I get settled in.

Since I finally got through all that immigration bull, I was going to look for a job today. My dad insisted on paying for something, so I told him he could help me out with rent until I could do it myself.

As I'm getting ready, I notice my medicine count is getting low. Only a few days' left.

_I should probably go get this filled, _I thought. The nearest pharmacy is only a few blocks away.

"I need a refill on my Risperidone," I told the front desk lady.

"Name?"

"Razel Basara," I said with all the accents. She just gave me a weird look, so I had to spell it out.

"I'm sorry, but there's no record of you in our system."

"I know. This is my first time here, I just moved from the US."

"Well, then, you'll need to get a prescription from a doctor here."


	8. Bad News Travels Fast

/cvd/set?id=73760436

_Do it. Do it or else the infidels will do it for you. This is the only way you can make it to Jannah. _

"No, please don't make. We can fight the infidels!" I begged the voice as I peered into the water of the Thames.

_Just jump! The Israelites are coming!_

"Okay," I whispered just so only the voice can hear me. I hoisted myself up onto the edge of the bridge.

_Hurry up!_

"What the hell are you doing?!" a man's voice said, grabbing me and pulling me back. I was just about to jump! Does this man not understand the Israelites are coming?

_Infidel! Punish him!_

"No," I said. _I am in control._

"No? No what? Where do you live? Let me take you home. Here, you must be cold," he said draping his coat over me when he noticed that I was in a simple t-shirt and mid-calf sweatpants.

"I'm in control," I told the voice over and over again.

"Yes!" the strange man said. "You _are_ in control of your life. You can change whatever made you want to jump. Everything will be okay."

Eventually, I told him the building I'm residing in, which is only a few streets over, and he walked me to the front doors. He told me his whole life story on the way. He told me about his wife's numerous miscarriages, and how she left him last year, and how he, too, tried to jump, but was pulled back, and how everything can be fixed.

The Israelites are attacking and killing Muslims and anyone who helps the Muslims with WMD's and he's complaining about his wife leaving him? Does he really not understand the severity of this predicament?

As soon as I left, I went back up to my apartment. The voice started screaming at me again. It started accusing me of being an infidel, and of betraying my Muslim brothers and sisters, telling me I'm a traitor, and I'm going to die by the hands of Allah. So, to shut I up, I went to sleep. The voice rests only then.

"_Sa'eed? What's wrong?" I asked as I noticed he was crying over the phone, muttering something about terrorists. _

"_I'm on the top of a building. I'm going to jump." He sounds so calm. _

"_Stay there! I'm going to get you," I said after he told me the address and then I ran out of the shop I was in. I knew exactly where the building was. I go past it all the time to get home since the public bus lets off a block away. The building is only four stories high. I can see his lanky figure teetering on the edge. I was on the other side of the street. He told not to get any closer, because, as I walked forward, so did he. Some guy standing next to me called for an ambulance. _

"_Sa'eed, please don't do this to us. I love you, brother. Never think I didn't care."_

_I know it only took a few seconds, but when he jumped, it felt like years. By the time he hit the ground, I was already across the street. I held him like a baby. He was still breathing, just barely. _

"_Don't worry baby sister," he said in his dying breaths, "I'll meet you in paradise inevitably. I am free."_

"_I just asked Seda and she says your name means happy. How ironic is that?" _

_He gave me a weak laugh and then said, "But, don't you see? They can't hurt me anymore. Peace be with you."_

_He rubbed his hand on my cheek one last time and then went limp and cold. I cursed the heavens and slapped his face over and over again in hopes of waking him up. The EMT's had to pry him out of my arms. They tried to resuscitate him, but it was no use._

_He was pronounced dead at 4:32 pm._

This is why I try to avoid sleeping these days. The voice stops talking for a few hours, but it makes me relive my worst memories while I sleep. I can never escape this Hell.

_You have to do it now! Your time is running out!_

"But I don't want to die," I told the voice.

_Do it yourself, or the Israelites will. May Allah take pity on your soul._

Dan

It's been nearly two months since I last had a conversation with Razel, and it's been nearly two weeks since I spoke to her all. We talk for a few minutes on Facebook every now and then, but it's only simple things, like her complimenting me because of a new video, or I'll message her just to see how she's doing. We haven't talked about _us_ any further. I don't think she wants to be in a long distance relationship, and I can't blame her. Or maybe she just wants to focus on school right now.

Phil and I were just laying around when Alex video called Phil from Skype. He was whispering and talking really fast, and it looked like he's in the bathroom.

"Sorry I sound really confusing, I'm at work and I'm not supposed to take personal calls. Anyway, I haven't spoke to Razel in a few days, and last time I did, she was going on about the Israelites coming for her. I think she's off her meds. Could one of you guys go check on her? I'm really worried."

"Why are you calling us? Did you forget we live in England?" Phil said jokingly.

"No? She moved to London a few weeks ago. She didn't tell you?"

We told me we didn't know, and he told us the address of her flat, and then hung up. He decided that I should be the one to do so, since I'm closer to her.

Her flat is all the way across the city. I started to walk, but then Google Maps told me I wouldn't be there for another hour, so I hailed a cab to get me there the rest of the way.

When I got there, the door was the door was already a bit open, so I let myself in. When I walked in, I was greeted by red writing on the army green walls. Some of it was in English, some was in, what looked like, Arabic. What I could read said "No Jannah, no forgiveness", "Israelites", "They're coming for me", and "Infidel". The one I saw the most was "No Jannah, no forgiveness". I also saw the symbol of Islam all over. There was barely any light in her flat. All the windows were covered by black construction paper. There was an odd small emitting from the room. And then, I saw her.

I found her lying behind the breakfast bar in her kitchen in nothing but her underwear. Her hair's cut at a bunch of different lengths. Some locks are at her shoulders, other locks are at waist length. There's bruises all over her body, including her neck, as if she tried to strangle herself. An empty bottle of over the counter sleeping pills were in her hand, and deep gashes were on her wrists. "INFIDEL" was cut into her stomach. I called for an ambulance as soon as my body came out of shock. The dispatcher on the phone told me to make sure she's still breathing and that the paramedics would be here soon. Her breathing got slower and slower by the minute. When the paramedics finally got here, they pushed past me and got her into a stretcher. The only thing they said to me was what hospital they're going to.

By the time I got to the hospital, I already told Alex and Phil what happened. I took pictures of the writing on the walls and asked Alex to have someone translate. The doctor called me back a few minutes after Phil got here to ask me some questions about her, since they forgot to ask me what her name was while they got her.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Cole," he said shaking my hand.

"I'm Dan Howell. How's she doing?"

"We pumped her stomach to get the toxins from the pills out, and I stitched up her wrists. Judging by the angles of the bruises, they're all self-inflicted, even the strangulation marks. But, fortunately, it wasn't long enough to cause brain damage. What's her name? This isn't something normal people do, nor is it just a tragic accident. We need to access her files, and we can't do that without her name."

"Her name's Razel. I don't know her surname. She's from America, and she told me she's schizophrenic."

"Is there anyone we could call to know more about her medical history?"

"We could call her friend, Alex. Since neither of us have international calling, we'd have to use Skype to talk. I have it on my phone, if that's what you opt to do."

He agreed to talking to Alex over Skype, I called him a few minutes later to make sure his boss would let him take this personal call. They gave a generic greeting, and then began talking about Razel's private life.

"She was diagnosed in 2008 when she was fourteen. She never told me what triggered it or what her hallucinations were about, all I know is that one day, she was fine, then when she came back from summer break, she was different. She didn't shower like she was supposed to, she would talk to herself all the time, and she thought everyone was out to get her. She saw a psychiatrist, he gave her some medicine, and then she went back to her old self."

They talked on and on about Razel and the abuse her mother put her through, and her brother's suicide, and such, for about another half-hour.

"Since it was _technically _a suicide attempt, it's mandatory that I admit her to a psych ward for at least seventy-two hours, and, depending on how much progress she's made, she can go home," Dr. Cole said, asking more questions about her, such as her preference for a male or female doctor, and so on. He said he'd confirm it with her when she wakes up. It wasn't until he asked her religion that I got upset. Not because of what it was, but because she lied. Alex says that she's really Muslim, and not an atheist, as she had said. Why would she lie? He also mentioned how her dad recently reunited with her at the beginning of summer. "She should be lucid when she wakes up, so we can talk to her then."

I had been at her bed side for nearly an hour when I got another call from Alex.

"Hey, I got someone to translate the Arabic on her walls. The most common one means 'I've spoken to God and he's abandoned us all,' and the next most common ones mean 'We no longer want freedom' and 'Freedom is only available through death'. All the rest say 'Infidel'."

"Do you know what Jannah is?" I asked.

"It's the Islamic heaven. I'm pretty sure it means paradise, but I'm not completely sure. Listen, Dan. Don't be mad about her telling you she's an atheist. She has her reasons, and just hear her out when you confront her."

It had been nearly three hours when she woke up. Phil had already gone home, but I refused to leave. I didn't want her to wake up to an empty room. No matter how angry I was with her, I will still be here. I barely even got to say hello to her before Dr. Cole came in and started asking her about her preferences for a doctor, and her most recent episode. I left the room to give her a bit of privacy, so I didn't know what she was saying. When I got back in there, we started talking like we used to when I stayed with her and Alex. She told me about how the woman at the pharmacy wouldn't let her refill her prescription since she didn't have a psychiatrist prescribe them in the UK.

"Why did you lie to me?" I asked after a bit of conversation. She just gave me a weird look. "First, you told me you're an atheist, and it turns out you're Muslim. You apparently reunited with your dad? And now you've moved to London without telling me?"

"Sorry, I didn't realize I had to tell you my every move. Do you wanna put a computer chip in me next?"

"You know I didn't mean it like that."

"I was going to tell you when I was all settled in."

"Why lie about your religion?"

"You can't even begin to image the discrimination my family and I have faced because of our religion and race. Someone once painted 'terrorist' on our door, and then set off a smoke bomb. I used to wear a hijab and people would literally hold me down just to take it off. Malik was even beaten up just for being Arab. No matter where I go, I'm discriminated against because I'm a Muslim Arab."


	9. The Apple of My Eye

Razel has officially been in the psych ward for twenty four hours. I know it's been exactly twenty four hours because I set three alarms just to let me know when I could go visit her. I told Phil about those little white lies she told me. He expects me to be mad, but I'm really not. I'm just glad she's okay.

"I'm going to go see Razel. You wanna come with?" I asked Phil as I was putting my jacket on. He declined and I was on my way out the door.

When I got to the wing Razel was in, I told the receptionist my name, and then Razel's name.

"Her suicide watch was up literally twenty minutes ago," she said.

"I just really want to see her."

"You'll have to wait for the psychiatrist to come out and update you. She's with a patient right now," she said looking down at the schedule. "She should be done in about ten minutes."

"Hello, I'm Dr. Hamasaki," she said after I put away my phone. I introduced myself while I shook her hand. "I'm Razel's psychiatrist for now. You may see her, but she's not lucid."

"I thought she was given anti-psychotics," I said.

"She was, but I don't think she's schizophrenic. She shows a lot of the symptoms of schizophrenia, but I just have a gut feeling she has depressive pseudodementia. I'm bringing in an expert on the disorder."

"I thought you were an expert," I mumbled. She asked me to repeat myself, but I just said never mind. "What's depressive pseudodementia?"

"It basically means she's so depressed that she lost touch with reality. I can see how her old psychiatrist could have mistaken it for schizophrenia. It's often mistaken as Alzheimer's when found in the elderly. We did give her something to stop the voice she reported hearing, but that's all I'm going to do until I know what she has," she said leading through the door and back to the rooms. "You guys will have to talk in the common room."

I would've never guessed she was depressed. She always seems so happy.

When the doctor opened the door to the room, Razel was just sitting on her bed with her back turned to us. Her hair was still at various lengths. I could hear the faint sound of Arabic-sounding music in the background. Dr. Hamasaki told me that they sometimes allow patients to listen to their own music, in hopes that it'll calm them.

"Razel?" Dr. Hamasaki said. When she turned around, she looked exactly the same as I had left her two days ago, only the bags under her eyes had gotten darker and more prominent. She scanned Dr. Hamasaki's face without emotion, but when her eyes fell on me, they instantly lit up. She got up from the bed, and then ran over and hugged me.

"I've missed you _so _much," she said as Dr. Hamasaki led us out to the common room with all the other patients. "I can't believe you're here. It's been so long."

_It's only been two days,_ I thought. _You've stopped talking to me for longer._

"How've you been?" I asked once we found a place to sit. I already felt out of place.

"I've been good. It's kind of weird in here, innit? What about you?"

"It's been hard these past couple of days with you in here. Why did you stop talking to me for two months?" I asked. She seems like she's in a good mood. Hopefully she won't get upset this time.

"What are you talking about, _habibi_? You're the one that stopped talking to the whole family. And days? You're the one that left for years," she asked slightly irritated.

"What are you even talking about?" I asked confused. Her response was asking me what I just asked her. "When I left to come back here, you just stopped talking to me, and then Alex told me to check on you."

"Well, I went back to _Filisteen_ for most of June, if that's what you're talking about. I obviously couldn't use my phone or internet or anything here, you know how it is. But you left us like three years ago... Where did you go?"

"I haven't even known you three years,"I said.

"What are you talking about, Sa'eed?"

"What did you just call me?" I asked in disbelief.

"Sa'eed... That's your name, right?" she said. She, too, was confused. I excused myself to go talk to Dr. Hamasaki. She told me that I should keep Razel happy, or else she might shut down and then she'll be in here longer if they can't properly diagnose her. They said they'd tell her later.

She actually thinks I'm her dead brother. Should I leave? Should I go against Dr. Hamasaki's wishes and tell her I'm not really her brother, and that he's actually dead? I don't want to hurt her. She's so happy reuniting with her brother after three years. It would crush her if she knew the truth in her state. On the other hand, she might hate me when she's better knowing I masqueraded as her brother.

"So, where did you go, and why did you stop talking to us?" she asked once I got back.

"I went back to _Filisteen_," I said, on a whim. I don't even know what _Filisteen_ is. "You know how it is."

"Where in _Filisteen_? I went to go help Uncle Rafiq when I went over the summer." I didn't know what to say. I know nothing about her extended family. I was about to say something when she interrupted me. "You must've been with Nadine, since Rafiq didn't mention anything about you. You wanna know what the Israelis did? They detained Kareem. A ten-year-old! They're getting more and more pathetic. Where's Nadine staying these days?"

"Bethlehem," I said since she mentioned Israel.

"The rockets fell like rain when I was there. They ripped the land from beneath our feet and gave us only suffering. Forgive me if I wish the same fate on all of those Israelis." I just sat there and nodded in agreement while she went on and on about the Israelis. I still have no idea what she's talking about. As time went on, I learned that she was talking about Palestine, which I still know nothing about. I'll have to do my research tonight.

"Ten more minutes," a nurse said.

"Will you bring me my _keffiyeh_ when you come tomorrow?" she asked as I got up to leave. I agreed and then left the building and went home, since she gave me her key for safe-keeping.

"How was it?" Phil asked when I got back home.

"She thinks I'm her dead brother," I said apathetically while I walked to my room to look for her key.

When I went back to her apartment, I was once again greeted by the writing on the walls. She told me her _keffiyeh,_ whatever that is, would be in the drawer next to her bed. I eventually found the black and white scarf, but, as I left, I noticed a picture on the vanity. I almost mistook the man in the picture for me, but then I realized it was Sa'eed. He and I shared a lot of features, such as our hair colour, and relative height. He was just a few shades darker than I. I guess we could be easily mistaken to a delusional mind.

I kept up the façade that I'm Razel's dead brother for three more days before Dr. Hamasaki decided we should tell her the truth.

Razel

I'm so glad Sa'eed is back. I've missed him so much. Why would he just wander off to Palestine without telling anyone? I don't even care now. I'm just happy I can see him once again. I'm also grateful I have my keffiyeh back.

"Razel," Dr. Hamasaki began, "this is Dr. Medina. He's here to help you."

I followed the two doctors through the endless hallways, looking at other people chew on their own tongues and chase phantoms around. I sat down across from both of the doctors as Dr. Medina pulled out a clipboard.

"Before we begin, we should start by telling you that your brother isn't really your brother," Dr. Hamasaki said.

"What do you mean he's not my brother? I think I know my own brother when I see him."

"Your brother committed suicide three years ago, when you were fourteen. The boy you've been talking is your friend Dan."

All the memories suddenly came flooding back. I could feel Dan's lips on mine once more, and to the time I told him I'm happy with life, which was a blatant lie, and then the image of the real Sa'eed jumping to his death came back. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks and dribbling onto the ugly green carpet. How could Dan do something like this? I heard the two doctors start to talk but I just ignored them.

"We can do this later when you're able to help us," Dr. Medina said as he led me back to my room.

"It's not Dan's fault. We told him to keep you happy by letting you think he's your brother," Dr. Hamasaki said.

"In the past two weeks, how often do you feel depressed or hopeless?" he began.

"Nearly everyday."

"Have you had any thoughts of suicide?" I nodded my head. They're a common occurrence for me. "Do you prefer staying home rather than going out and doing new things?" Once again, I nodded my head. "Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?" Yes. "Have you ever acted upon those feelings?" I shook my head no. "How's your sleep? Do you sleep a typical eight hours?"

"No, I normally try to avoid sleep. Before this medicine, I would always have bad dreams about my past. And even when I did try to sleep, it would take me forever to actually get there."

"What aspects of your past?"

"All the times my mom beat me, or, as you guys just informed me, Sa'eed's suicide, and the time I was staying with my cousin Nadine's family, and an Israeli shell hit their house, and the time that the IDF detained me for no actual reason. Right after that happened is when I started acting different."

"What happened when this shell hit their home?"

"Four of my cousins killed, as well as my aunt, and gravely injured Nadine, my uncle, and my brother, Malik."

"When did symptoms first begin this time around?"

"About three days after taking my medication," I said before they asking me if anyone else in my family had a mental illness. "Sa'eed was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I think my mom has PTSD."

We talked for a little while longer about my life to properly diagnose.

As night rolled around, and I was almost asleep, I could could hear someone calling my name. I opened my door and looked around. At the end of the hallway, I saw Sa'eed. Or Dan. I don't even know. He told me to follow him, and I did.

_He's not real,_ I told myself, but I still chased after the apparition. What am I going to do when I catch up to him? In the afterlife, does one stay the age they were when they died? That would be something to see.

Finally, the apparition came to a halt and I stood face-to-face with an older brother that's younger than me. I could still smell him. He always smelled like the sea.

"_Habibti_," he said stroking my cheek with his ghostly hand. "They say time heals all wounds, but the pain never goes away."

"I don't want to talk to a shrink," I admitted to him. "Everyone thinks I'm happy and I'm carefree, despite what's happened to me, but I'm angry and I'm tortured within the confines of my own mind. It feels like my life's hit a dead end. This pain just won't stop. I want to go out like you did."

"Life is sacred and it's not right to waste it," he said. What is he even talking about? He's the one that actually jumped.

"Why did you leave me?"


	10. Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

"What color should I get?" Razel asked as she held some paint samples up to the wall, and then to her blanket to see if the colours would match. She held up a medium blue and then alternated it with a deep purple. "I think the creamy yellow looks the best, but I don't know if it'll go over the green... and all the writing. What do you think?" For the time being, she had covered all of the writing up with newspaper.

Razel had been out of the hospital for about three days. The doctors had kept her in there for three long weeks (she was only supposed to be there two weeks, but they kept her an extra week to make sure her medication was working and wasn't causing harmful side effects). They had given her medicine there to stop her hallucinations, but it didn't stop any delusions. Those three weeks were what she described as the worst weeks of her life. She told me stories about how this guy would scream at random intervals for a few minutes in the early hours of the morning, and how another woman with multiple personalities altered between a crazy Russian man and a mobster, among others, but those were the most common. I missed her so much while she was in there. I could only visit her on visiting days (which were only three times a week, minus the day after the twenty-four hour lockdown , and only on certain hours (only from four to seven in the evening).

It turns out she didn't have depression dementia or whatever it's called. She actually has something called schizoaffective disorder, which is basically schizophrenia, except with other bipolar-like symptoms. (Okay, seriously, what the hell is wrong with these doctors? Did they even go to school?)

In the past three days since her freedom, she has apologised for lying about her religion and not telling me she moved here about two hundred times. Every single time I told her I didn't care and to just let it go. On the other hand, I have apologised for pretending to be her brother (at the wishes of her doctor). She just kept telling me it was fine, but I could tell she was upset by the tone of her voice. She really loved her brother. I don't think she's upset that the doctor had me pretend to be him, but more because she just wants her brother back.

On the subject of her religion, she told me that now that I know, she'll be using more Islamic phrases, but she promised me her personality wouldn't change.

"I'm sorry," she said once she noticed I was zoning out.

"For what?"

"That you had to see me like this. But thank you for not leaving when you realized how messed up I am," she said. "Thanks for not being like everyone else."

I pulled her into a hug while she was still looking at the colour samples. I told her I would never leave her just because she had a momentary lapse in sanity.

"I think I should go with the pastel yellow," she said holding it up to the wall again.

After she for sure decided on painting her walls light yellow, we went to the go buy it, and then we came back. We had gotten lost on the way there, so our journey took longer than I had originally anticipated, resulting in it being too late to start painting tonight, but instead, we're going to do it tomorrow.

"Do you wanna stay for dinner?" she asked when we got back to her flat. "I can make some al-sayadiah, and some mango kulfi."

"Sure," I said. "Let me call Phil so he won't be waiting up for me."

While I texted Phil to let him know I'm staying at Razel's, she went into her kitchen to start the food. I tried to help, but she kept naming off a bunch of ethnic ingredients, and I didn't really know what they were, so she just told me to go watch TV. She offered me some snacks and tea about two hundred times before I told her if I had anymore I wouldn't be hungry for dinner.

"What _are _we?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my chin on her shoulder as she put the kulfi in the freezer.

"Well... we're humans."

"No, I mean, like, what's our relationship status? Are we a couple? Are we dating?"

"We'd have to actually go on a date to be dating, silly," she said as she handed me a plate and a fork. I noticed she sort of flinched away when I took them.

"So, let's go on a date!"

"Now?" she asked.

"Are you free tomorrow? Maybe we could go to the cinema or something," I said as I helped her carry the plates and everything out to the table. She accepted my offer, and then she got me a drink and then we began to load up our plates.

"_Bismallah," _she said softly to herself before she took that first bite. She was still giving my dominant hand a dirty look. "It means 'in the name of God'. Most Muslims say it before doing really anything."

After we were finished with the main course, she brought out of the kulfi, which was actually really, _really_ good, I helped her clean up, and then we went to her couch and just watched TV for a little bit before she broke the almost-silence.

"I need you to be serious for a moment. Can you do that?" she asked. I nodded my head. "I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days, and I wanted to ask you how you felt about it before I did anything. How would you feel if I started wearing a headscarf again?"

"Well, it's your body and your choice. If you want to, go ahead. Why should what I think, about something doesn't have anything to do with me really, dictate what you wear?"

"Thanks," she said, smiling and nuzzling her head into my shoulder and continued to watch TV.

"It's getting late, I should probably be heading home," I said as I got up, stretched and yawned.

"Why don't you just stay the night? You said you'd come by in the morning to help me paint. Now you won't have to take the trip out here!"

"Okay," I said. She turned off the TV and led me back to her bedroom. She tossed me a pair of basketball shorts that she says she took from Alex months ago, and pointed me to the bathroom. When I got out of the bathroom, Razel rushed right in and turned on the water. I guess that's what Muslims do before each prayer session, which is apparently five times a day. Most Christians I know don't even pray once a day. Five times a day takes dedication. After she had finished her apparent nightly routine, she got into bed and turned off the light.

"Goodnight, Dan," she said.

"Goodnight, Razel," I said giving her a quick kiss and then turning over onto my stomach to fall asleep.


End file.
